Inconsistencies, Experiences, Lessons Learned

This has got to be the longest time I’ve ever been MIA on this blog. It was never my intention to have left our beloved blog outdated, but I have no choice as of the moment. Vague, but I hope you’ll be able to follow through as this is going to be a long entry...

I might already be a bit late to wrap up how 2017 went for me and for the baby-ik. I was initially planning on a write-up about how eventful and stress-free of a year it had been for me. I had never found myself so excited just thinking about how I would start and end a year-end blog post I’ve been planning out carefully and meticulously (all for keepsake).

But a few months before the year was over, I was bombarded with a lot of hurdles. Emphasis on A LOT. I got back to questioning my existence over and over again, I cursed at people, cursed at myself, not to mention blame myself for things I didn’t even do.

But look at me, I ended up writing this kind of “wrap-up” instead of the happy one I’ve been mentally drafting for months now.

Life ain’t always rainbows and butterflies. I’d love to break the cliché but that’s just how it is. I’m sure it applies not just for me but for everyone else. 

I might not have blogged about it because as much as possible, I very eagerly wanted to keep the positive vibe in here, but my happy relationship with my boyfriend came to a point where we had to rethink and re-evaluate if we really want each other in our lives. I hope this is not TMI though. We seem happy with all the travels and pigging out, and friends always label us as “Relationship Goals” unaware that behind all the smiles and happy photos are a lot of arguing, crying, and blaming. Toxic, right?

But we ended up making up! We love each other after all. The doubt is still there, but we try to remind each other that what matters most is that we chose to stay.

But it wasn't over.

Just weeks after that, I was faced with yet again another obstacle. This time, a far more complicated problem. I don’t want to go through the details since it’s too personal, but just to let people who have been asking know what happened, (let’s just skip the whys)… I ended up running away from home. I think I may have subtly mentioned this in one of my previous blog posts.

Conflict just seems to be arising more at home that it became to too toxic for me to stay already. I never wanted to leave but the people involved and the situation appears to be forcing me to. At that time, it felt like it was the right thing to do.

It was too much for me to handle because even though I may have sounded rebellious for running away, I haven’t thought about how hard it would be living alone without a family to go home to. I struggled the first few weeks and cried myself to sleep. As of now, I've already gotten used to the feeling and crying, but sometimes it still stings a bit just remembering how the people whom you thought would be there for you no matter what, would end up ditching you.

Since all these happened very unexpectedly, I'm left with almost nothing. I had sold my phone (the reason why I can’t document our pigging out sessions), some of my clothes, desperately went to have my gadgets pawned so I could make ends meet and have something for my hungry tummy, at least. No one from my family dare asked me how I was doing, where I was staying, or if I’ve even eaten a proper meal. I admit, I was sort of waiting for it. But no one did. Thinking about this always made me sad. Thankfully, baby-ik was always there to comfort me. 

It was my first Christmas to have ever been away from my family. It was a gloomy Christmas for me, indeed. I decided to keep myself busy, swamping myself with work in the office. Yes, I spent Christmas eve working in the office.

I welcomed New Year’s Eve with my boyfriend’s family. It was a new feeling being with new people, but I felt happy and content nevertheless.

Days, weeks, months have passed and I’m starting to realize how much I’ve actually grown stronger and wiser away from my family. I feel like I’ve become happier now than I have ever been with the people I considered my family. I saw changes in me, changes in my views in life, changes in how I value money and the future.

I may have lost "the finer things in my life" aka my gadgets and phone and a beautiful home, but I feel like without all these, I’m slowly learning and growing. Now, baby-ik and I are managing a small business which adds up to our monthly earnings. We also have more savings now so we don’t struggle to make ends meet anymore. 

To sum it all up, I feel like running away was the best decision I have ever made so far. Just when I thought my life's been ruined, everything just seems to be falling in the right place. Running away sounds like such a cowardly thing to do to escape reality, but sometimes reality's just too harsh. This triggered myself to walk away from things that I can't control.

Now, I am not in any way encouraging you to do the same. Perhaps you could weigh things first before you come up with a decision you may or may not regret for all your lifetime.